5 Lessons on Midlife Friendship

“Your health can handle the truth.  It cannot handle lies.”  says Tracy Anderson often.  Similarly, I would add, friendship can handle the truth.  It cannot handle lies.

I am so blessed to have a best friend who’s been by my side through the escapades of adult life.  Dr. Lynne and I met in grad school and we’ve been best friends since.  Most of you know we’re now running a business together.  The past year and a half have been an adventure to say the least, complete with many peaks and valleys.  Thankfully, the high points far outweigh the valleys.  This trek that we’re on has opened the door for Lynne and I to get to know each other in a whole new way.  When you run a business together, it forces you to tell the truth, and that truth telling has spilled right over into our friendship and personal life.  It’s grown us and challenged us in ways I never would have seen coming.  And, I can honestly say that our friendship is much stronger for it.  Maybe I’m being dramatic, but more than ever before, Lynne feels like not just my BFF, but my soul sister.

 If you’re lacking in the friend department, please don’t feel like this is rubbing salt in the wound.  I actually do know just how you feel, as I’ve struggled with female friendships most of my adult life.  Some of that may be because I was raised with brothers and we just plain did things differently growing up. There were no clothes sharing, hair pulling, drama building, or grudge holding.  Suffice it to say, I’ve never been that great at connecting with women.  And while I spent years putting the blame on everyone else, truth be told, it was a Brooke issue.  It took me a solid 44 years to figure that out.  Frankly speaking, it’s only been in the last 3 years that I’ve really begun to build solid female friendships apart from Lynne, and even our relationship has grown and matured along the way.  Over the course of these years, I’ve learned some very important lessons in friendship that I’d love to share with you.

 You probably already know, there’s a certain amount of wisdom that comes with aging.  I’ve found that in midlife, I finally feel free to be myself and speak my truth without apologizing for it.  I no longer feel the need to “say the right thing” so I fit in.  Instead, I’m seeking places where I belong just as I am.  I don’t minimize myself at the risk of annoying someone else, and I spend very little, if any time, on things like gossip and drama.  Life is just too short.  The funny thing is, as soon as I started to give myself the freedom to just be me, the right women started showing up, and I began to build real, meaningful friendships.  Lesson #1: Friendship starts with you.  You must be very clear on who you are.  Real friendships begin with you being authentic and open hearted.

I would be remiss if I didn’t relate to you that being open hearted comes with risk.  Unfortunately, it’s true.  I’m speaking from experience when I say the more open hearted you are, the deeper your friendships will go, but the more chance you have of being hurt or disappointed.  Yet, quality friendships are so worth the hurt that sometimes comes along for the ride.  And I’m hear to tell you, you’re stronger than you think and capable of withstanding more than you know.  Plus, there are so many lessons to be learned through life’s hurts and imperfections.  Often, these are the things that grow you the most.  Lesson #2: Friendships aren’t perfect. That’s because your friends aren’t perfect, and neither are you.  All of us fall short of perfection.  All of us will cause hurt feelings at one time or another.  It’s a part of life.  Don’t let our imperfections keep you from sharing your whole heart with other women.  Ask for forgiveness and extend forgiveness when necessary.

Fall outs are no joke.  In fact, Lynne and I just had one a few weeks ago.  We had an encounter on the phone that led to hurt feelings, tears, sadness, and radio silence for 2 days.  After the tortuous phone call, we both needed time to process and cool off. We needed time to feel our feelings, gather our thoughts, and at least on my end, cry (maybe hormones had something to do with it, not gonna lie!)  When I finally reached out to talk a few days later, we were both in a place where we could discuss our falling out.  Lesson #3 Friendships need grace and space.  It’s ok to take some time away to regroup.  This doesn’t mean the friendship is doomed or irreparable.  It means your both mature and capable of honoring each other’s needs and boundaries.  If you’ve had a big rift with a friend, often, it’s necessary to step away from each other for a short period of time, if for no other reason than to avoid saying things you don’t mean.  Always give cooler heads a chance to prevail.

When Lynne and I finally spoke again, we were honest.  We did not do any sugar coating or placating. I was raw and vulnerable as tears welled in my eyes.  Lynne held space for my vulnerability and my hurt.  She was quiet as I spoke and related my feelings.  I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so seen and heard by another woman.  We were on the phone, not even face to face, and yet, the act of her opening our conversation with, “I know you’re hurt. I know this goes deeper than what’s on the surface. I want to know what’s in your heart, and I want to listen”, followed by, “I’m going to be quiet and allow you to say all that you need to say”, truly made me feel seen like never before.  (Can we all just take a moment for the amazing, mature, kind human being Lynne is!)- I shared my heart with her on that phone call and Lynne listened intently and quietly, just like she said she would. She did not interrupt.  She did not defend herself or tell me where I was wrong.  She didn’t even apologize.  She simply listened and let me talk as everything from the past two days came bubbling up from inside me.  And after I finished, she told me she heard everything I said.  She was compassionate.  When she spoke, she related her empathy for how I was feeling.  She told me where she agreed and where she thought I was wrong.  And, she apologized.  This was by far the healthiest and most healing conversation I’ve had with another woman, and there are two lessons here.  Lesson #4 Friendship requires a quiet, safe place for sharing hurt feelings and being vulnerable.  Often, friendship doesn’t require us to fix anything, but to simply listen.  Finally, bringing us back to our opening conversationn, Lesson # 5: Friendship can handle the truth. It can not handle lies.  We must be honest with our friends and we must allow our friends to be honest with us. 

During our conversation, it wasn’t easy to be so open and honest with Lynne, even though we’ve been friends for over 20 years.  We had come to a place that neither of us had navigated before, and it required unapologetic vulnerability. Had I held back or minimized my feelings due to concern for how Lynne would feel or what she would think about me, we would have hit a plateau at a minimum or a step back in our friendship in the worst case.  Instead, we both spoke truth, we both listened, we were open hearted and we were able to end that phone conversation with a stronger friendship than we had when it started.  Now, that doesn’t mean we got off the phone laughing and smiling in a world full of puppies and rainbows.  In reality, it took time for both of us to breathe and process the conversation. Plus, the discussion didn’t end there.  Over the next few days, we had healing, follow up dialogue too.  I will say, that the moment I got off the phone, for the first time in 2 days, I breathed a deep calming breath without any suffocating weight on my chest.  The baggage I had been carrying around had dissipated.  I knew Lynne loved me, would show up for me, and that we were going to be ok.

If we peel away all the layers of life, isn’t this at the core of what we all desire?  Life is complex, we’re all very different people, and yet we stand on the common ground of wanting to be loved and knowing we’re going to be ok.  We want people in our life who will show up for us by listening, caring, and creating safe spaces where we can truly be ourselves and feel free to speak honestly.  This is friendship at it’s finest, and it’s more important than ever to find and facilitate these real, deep friendships if we want to live a truly fulfilling Life after Kids.

As we begin to wrap up our conversation, I need to be honest with you. And, perhaps it will take some pressure off you.  See, these deep, ride or die, friendships aren’t necessarily a common thing to find and they don’t always happen quickly.  It was well into my 20’s before I ever even met Lynne, and it’s taken us over 20 years to get to where we are now.  It’s required work, patience, compassion, honesty, and of course a lot of LAUGHTER!  Aside from Lynne, I can think of maybe one other woman who fills and feels my heart like Lynne does.  Don’t feel pressured to have profound friendships with everyone you know.  If you happen to be someone who has a deep relationship with multiple women, I salute you, it’s not easy.  Also, please understand, that I’m not suggesting we limit ourselves in the friendship department.  It’s natural and healthy to do life with all kinds of women we can connect with, laugh with, go on adventures with, and make memories with.  But, don’t necessarily hold every woman in your life to the highest of standards that I’m speaking about here.  If you do, you may end up stressed, disheartened, and very disappointed.

When I was growing up, I can remember having countless fights and arguments with my friends, and during those times, it often felt like the world was coming to a close (oh the preteen and teen drama!).  I don’t remember what any of those fights were specifically about, but I do remember the words my dad would console me with in the aftermath.  He’d say, “Brooke, your grand pap always told me, “When a person gets to the end of their life and can look back knowing they had one true friend who loved them unconditionally and always had their back, then they’ll know they lived a truly blessed life.”  Perhaps you’re feeling down or longing for more meaningful friendships.  Let the words of Grand Pap Bomp be of comfort to you.  And, if you have those one or two women in your life who always have your back, the ones that are your soul sisters, do everything in you power to be the friend they need, and to ensure that your friendship flourishes.  Always remember the 5 Lessons of Friendship: be authentic and open hearted, don’t expect perfection, give grace when it’s needed, hold space for vulnerability, and always be honest.  Friendship is just like life, it’s full of ups and downs, and it has a funny way of working itself out.  So, you never know, you could end up a Golden Girl living an epic second half of life surrounded by your besties, always ready for any shenanigans and laughter that come your way!