Boundary Conversations

Can we talk about boundaries for a moment?  And also, why don’t we use them?! 

 

I had a great conversation with a friend/client (let’s call her Sally)  in my office the other day about how she was being spread way too thin and feeling it emotionally.  Sally noted that she was far too busy at work and since she was working at home due to covid, there were very little boundaries in place to prevent her company from asking her for things at all hours of the day.  She was also busy with household errands and tending to her teenage boys.  When her schedule began to fill to overload, can you guess what she let slide?

Time for her own self-care.

The result?  Sally began to struggle emotionally, had difficulty sleeping, and noticed that her already underactive thyroid became more symptomatic, leading to other hormonal imbalances. 

How many of us have find ourselves in similar situations?  The to do list builds, work is demanding, family life is demanding, and time for our self slides.  Then we end up sleepless, stressed, anxious, and sometimes with even more health issues. 

Here we have a choice.  We always have a choice.  We can choose to keep going and accept our lifestyle, schedule, and the way we feel.  In doing so, it’s probably best not to then complain- since we did make the choice to continue down this path.

Or, we can take a step back, take a few breaths, look at our situation, and determine what steps we can practically take to give us a different outcome.  In the case of my friend, she was too busy and had neglected self-care.  So, she had to figure out how she could free up some portion of her day in order to regroup and take care of herself.

Sally realized that work was too hectic and causing too much stress, leading to health issues.  She decided to take a sabbatical from work for the summer so she would have time to catch her breath, reduce stress, and enjoy her teens.  Here it’s worth mentioning that her work was very understanding and willing to allow her the space she needed to regroup.  Sally then started yoga class again, did acupuncture, and worked out regularly with a trainer.  She also enjoyed beach days with her family and other fun excursions.  Naturally, as she reduced stress in her environment and in her body, her sleep improved and her symptoms began to subside.  But, summer ended, as it always does, and it was time for her to go back to work.  Back to the grind.  How do you think she handled it?

When she added the stress of work back into her life (remember we’ll never be able to remove stressors completely), she did it in a way that would not neglect self-care or her health.  She set up BOUNDARIES.

Sally let her boss know that she would only be available to work at certain times of the day, and that after a designated time in the evening, she would be focusing on herself and her family, not work.  She also made her family aware of specific times of the day that she would not be available to them because she would be taking care of herself (think acupuncture, exercise, etc).

The best part of this story is how receptive her family and work were to the boundaries Sally put into place.  That may be a little surprising.  Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we can express how we’re feeling or what we need to be our best selves and not suffer back lash because of it.  Why do we feel like we just have to suck it up and keep going (to the detriment of ourselves) because we don’t want to upset or offend anyone.  Or, worse yet, we wouldn’t want to appear selfish, of all things!  In this case, my friend was clear about her needs and clear about the boundaries she was putting in place.  Turned out, everyone was on board.  Because of these “boundary conversations”, she is now able to take care of herself, manage her stress, and show up well for work and her family.

There’re several good life lessons in this story.  First, it’s ok to not be ok.  Recognize it and choose whether you’re going to stay put and deal or take steps to create change for yourself.  If you choose to make change, this will likely involve some hard conversations.  Conversations with yourself, your family, and maybe even your friends and your employer.  Boundaries are necessary and when you set boundaries for yourself you teach others to set boundaries for themselves.  You can lead by example.  Last and most important, NEVER NEGLECT SELF-CARE.  Always remember, “how you show up for yourself is how you show up for everyone”!

With much love,

 Dr. Brooke

PS want to take a deeper dive on boundaries?  Check out this book.