The 5 People
Have you ever heard the phrase:
“You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with, so choose wisely”?
In other words, if you want to improve yourself and show up as the best version of you, then should be very careful with who you spend time with and choose those people that are doing bigger things, are more successful, or are in a place in life that you’d like to get to. If you’re like me, then you’ve read this in self help books, seen it in success magazines, had it pop up on your social media feed, or even heard it in a podcast episode.
Well, pardon my language, but I call BULL SHIT.
Seriously, I’ve been ruminating over this idea for some time, and if I’m being honest, I’ve attempted to put this concept into practice in my own life and also in the life of my kids. Frankly, I’ve come to believe that it’s BS! Let me explain why.
First of all, if you’re constantly trying to spend all of your time with people that you look up to or if you’re surrounding yourself with people that are also looking to be around “upstanding individuals”, then how do you really know if they like you for you or if they like the concept of you and what you do in life. And, when do you cross the line of having genuine friends whose company you actually enjoy versus “what can I gain from these people”. It’s as if you’re constantly asking the rhetorical question, “what have you done for me lately?” In this day and age of social media, virtual reality, and the metaverse, it seems to me like we could all use real solid relationships instead of those that look pretty and shiny in pictures and on our instagram feed.
Plus, if you only ever hang out with people that you deem “better than you” or good enough for your time, then you won’t have any space in your life for an opportunity to help somebody that is struggling or needs a person to lean on. Take Jesus for example. (Regardless of what you believe about him, I think we can all agree that he was a picture perfect human while on this Earth). He surrounded himself daily with the down and out in his community. He not only spoke with them, but he broke bread with them and spent time at their houses. He actually said, “it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick”. If we constantly choose to be surrounded by our idea of successful, worthy people, we just might miss out on the blessing of being there for someone else. And in fact, I would say I’ve learned the most about life and myself from the friendships I have with people who’ve gone through serious struggle in their life. It bonds you and teaches you in a way that few other things can.
That brings me to the discussion of our kids. I confess, I absolutely have tried to steer my kids away for children I viewed as a “trouble makers”, not all the time, but there has been the occasion. But, what if we trusted our kids enough to make the right decision regardless of who they’re with. What if they’re strong enough to be a positive influence on another kid’s life, instead of said kid being a negative influence on theirs. Now, especially, with so many teens suffering from depression and anxiety, we should be fostering relationships for them with all kinds of people, and teaching them to lend a helping hand. We certainly shouldn’t be teaching exclusivity.
But perhaps the biggest impact for me on this topic is a story from my own life. Would it be ok to get really real, personal, and vulnerable for a few moments?
Several years back I was going through and very difficult and dark time emotionally. No need to go deep into that rabbit hole for this discussion, but suffice it to say that numerous stressors that were out of my control led me to a great deal of anxiety and self doubt. I was in a dark place emotionally and it was leading to symptoms physically as well. Right around that time Lynne and her husband, Mark, were taking their life up a notch. Their business was going to the next level, they were networking with awesome, successful people, and traveling frequently with groups of stellar and strong human beings. Now the holidays were coming up and my husband, knowing I was in a very low place emotionally, suggested we go to Florida for warm weather, vitamin D, and more importantly, quality time with Mark and Lynne. I remember saying to my husband as we were doing last minute prep for the trip, “I’m worried about spending time with Mark and Lynne. They’re doing such amazing things and are surrounded by so many awesome people, I’m afraid I’ll be a let down. What do I have to offer?” Now please keep in mind that we’ve been friends with Mark and Lynne for over 20 years, so it’s not like we had a frivolous social relationship. And yet, I was still worried they wouldn’t want to be around me.
I’m fighting back tears as I tell you, they’ve been the best friends a girl could have. They never turned their back on me, always offered advice when needed, encouraging words, and of course a lot of laughs. Mark and Lynne stood by me through that entire season of struggle and never once backed away because they were concerned “I’d rub off on them” or bring them down.
But what if they had lived their life by the idea I mentioned at the start of our discussion? What if they’d distanced themselves from me because they felt I had little to offer them at that time, or they didn’t want to give up their valuable time to be with someone who couldn’t lift them up? I can honestly say that one of the reasons I made it through those trials was because of friends like them. Had they chosen to step away from me or not hold space for my suffering, I’m not sure where I’d be. And, I’m beyond grateful for people like them who stayed close to me, not because of what I could do for them, but because they loved me for me, genuinely card, and wanted me in their life, regardless of my “status”.
So yeah, I call BULLSHIT on
“you become like the 5 people you spend the most time with, so choose wisely”
I’ll leave you with a parting thought. What would life look like if we chose to spend time with people not because of what they could do for us, but because of what we could do for them?
XO,
Dr. Brooke