The Importance of Stress Management and Emotional Balance for Midlife Moms and How to Achieve Both
I’m moving about my day and for no real reason at all, I’m a little angry, a little irritated, a bit fatigued, and also slightly frustrated. Things that shouldn’t be annoying me all that much are like nails on a chalkboard- the dog barking, the dinner I have to cook, that last email I know I need to send out, the pile of my kids’ dirty laundry (how many times a day do they change outfits, anyway?!) I should know myself enough by now to take a few minutes alone to just breathe, redirect, and refocus. I should go outside for a brief walk or just simply move my body in some way for a minute or two. But, alas, I don’t do any of the things that a well-balanced, productive, middle-aged mom would do. Instead, I let my emotions bubble up and over me like boiling water bubbling over the edges of its pot onto the stove top and I lose the last shred of self-control that I had. Suddenly, my family has become the proverbial stove top, simply because they are in my immediate vicinity, and I find myself acting more like a hormonal 15-year- old than a well-adjusted woman of 47 years. Have you been there before?
It's almost as though I’m a fly on the wall, watching myself in full on venting and irrational mode, but much like a bad car accident, I can’t stop it, I don’t want to see it, and yet, I can’t turn my eyes away. The non-insect me is busy barking orders at the kids to pick up their crap and yelling at them about how disrespectful they are. I’m slamming doors, stomping about the house, and huffing and puffing (almost blowing the whole house down). My husband isn’t safe either, he’s getting the stank eye from me as he looks back bewildered, wondering what got into me and if he, in fact, did something wrong. He then proceeds with the only logical response which is to boisterously yell at the kids for upsetting me just before he shuts the door to his office and disappears. The dogs are tense and wide eyed. The tea kettle that is our home is steamed up and shouting as what was once a calm and quiet house suddenly becomes a war zone. The tension is palpable and the negative energy is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I want to calm myself down. Honestly, I do, but something, probably hormones, stress, exhaustion, or all of the above, have taken over my body and I’ve lost my grip on the negative thoughts and selfish complaints now playing on repeat in my brain. “This is ridiculous”, “Doesn’t anyone care about how I feel”, “Why do I live with a house full of slugs”, “Nobody appreciates me”, “Why does everything fall on me”, “I’m fed up”. And, on and on the marching band in my brain goes as my pulse continues to beat rapidly evidenced by the loud thumping noise it’s making in my ear. This my friends, is definitely not Brooke’s finest hour, and I’d be lying if I told you that it’s the only time something like this has happened.
Hours later, the house is quiet. My husband is still in his office and the kids have dispersed to their rooms or their activities. I’ve eaten, burned some energy, regrouped, and had time to consider what has transpired. Now that my mind isn’t racing and I’m thinking more clearly, I realize how absurdly I was behaving. Not that my kids shouldn’t help around the house and not that any mother should ever feel like their living on their own island of unappreciation, but I now see that I absolutely could have carried myself in a more calm and appropriate manner. Communicating in an even tone without shouting and taking a moment to regroup before said communication began. Now under normal circumstances, I would have just gone about my business, the heavy realization of my actions would have eventually lightened, and I would have been on my merry way, prepped for another mini meltdown weeks if not days later. But this time was different, because this time, I was acutely aware of not just how much stress I brought on to myself, but also how much stress I welcomed in to the entire family. And I comprehend that I, the strong woman, the matriarch of the house, set the tone for the entire household.
See, as moms, a lot falls on us. We’re walking around in very heavy shoes. I often jokingly refer to myself as the CEO of our house, but honestly, it’s not that far off. We keep things running smoothly, we look out for the kids, we hopefully have our spouse’s back. Seriously, would the house even keep running if we weren’t around?! But, perhaps even more importantly, our mood and our actions directly affect the mood and actions of our children and our spouses. I’ve noticed over the years, that when I’m upset, stressed, anxious, or simply not feeling my best, it’s easy to focus only on myself, my own needs, and how I’m feeling, with very little regard for what’s happening around me, but, in more recent years, I’ve come to realize that how I’m feeling has a big impact on everybody else in my family. If I’m tense and frustrated, or stressed, they then are likely to be tense, frustrated, and stressed. On the other hand, if I’m operating from a place of peace, calm, happiness, and clarity, they likely will be as well. Whew! That’s a lot of responsibility, and sometimes, I think about how much easier life might be if we moms weren’t so important, but we are! And in case you needed the reminder, you are so important to your family, probably even more important than you can comprehend.
It's our job, as mothers and wives to be our best selves, to maintain, at least to the best of our ability, our stress levels and to keep our emotions in balance. It’s a tall order, but I think that if we take the time to realize that being stressed, anxious, fatigued, and frustrated not only affects us, but also affects those we love in a big way, it becomes more important than ever to keep ourselves emotionally healthy. If I could stop for a moment and give you a piece of advice from my own experience…It’s far easier to be proactive with working on your stress and emotions on a regular basis than it is to wait for the moment your kids did the final stupid thing that got on your last nerve and then try to breathe and talk yourself off of the out-of-control cliff. Here are a few of the proactive things I now do day to day to keep myself calm, balanced, and operating from a place of self-control, I bet they’ll help you too.
Take 10-15 minutes a day to yourself. Use this time to sit in a chair or even lay down in quiet with your eyes opened or closed, you decide. No phone, TV, or other devices please. Just relax, breath, and enjoy the quiet. Take it up a notch by sipping a cup of hot herbal tea or relaxing on an acupressure mat to reduce muscle tension
The tone of your day and your mood is set by what you do first thing in the morning. Go outside, let natural light hit your eyes, take a few deep breaths and stretch. (If it’s winter and you live in a place that is dark in the morning, consider investing in a light box.) Turn the light box on in the morning and do your stretches in front of it.
Build consistent time into your week to do something that relaxes you, things like an adult coloring book, a jigsaw puzzle, a book and a hot cup of tea, a Netflix original, or kick back with a magazine you enjoy.
Prioritize your sleep to keep from feeling run down and exhausted with things like blue light blocking glasses, magnesium, a sleep mask, turning off your devices at least an hour before bed, and stopping your intake of food at least 2 hours before bed
Prevent yourself from getting “hangry” by managing your blood sugar. Do this by minimizing the sugar you eat, eating enough protein and good fat, moving your body after a meal, and taking things like apple cider vinegar with your meals.
Manage the stress response in your body with supplements like ashwaganda and l-theanine, tea like tulsi, passion flower, and stress ease, and essential oils like lavender, cedarwood, roman chamomile, and tranquil blend.
When all else fails and you find yourself in a state of frustration or irritability, ready to unleash your negative mood onto the world, try your best to breathe. Dismiss yourself to a quiet place for a few moments of regrouping, move your body with a walk, dancing, even jumping jacks, or go outside for a minute or two to reset your nervous system. And by the way, if you’ve done some or all of these things, and you still lose self-control, be gentle with yourself. Know that you aren’t the only one, and that none of us can be perfect 100% of the time. If our aim is to never screw up and be perfect always, all we end up doing is creating more stress for ourselves and those around us. So let perfection go, do your best, and be sure to apologize when you need to. I promise your kids and your spouse will be grateful for the apology, even if you’ve caused them stress or unease. Plus, you’ll teach you kids that we’re not infallible and you’ll show them the importance of an apology. This may actually be one of life’s greatest lessons.
Speaking of lessons, most of us are at an age where we put a lot of time and energy into our physical health and our physical appearance, concerned about the effects of aging on our body. Rightfully so, our bodies are changing. But there is also beauty in aging, and that beauty is wisdom. Wisdom that comes from experience. We should all have enough experience by now to wisely realize that our stress, actions, and emotions impact everyone around us. Midlife and the changes that come with it not only affect our health and our appearance, but they also affect our emotions and stress level too. If you learn nothing else from the reenactment of my own embarrassingly ridiculous meltdown, learn this. You must make time for your emotional health. It has to be a priority, if not for yourself, then for your family and the people you love. Part of being a great mom is taking the time for selfcare in order to manage your stress level and balance your emotions, because when we’re our best selves we exponentially love and show up for our kids, our spouse, our family and our friends in a more favorable way. We are strong, capable, midlife moms running our homes with years of experience and wisdom, and when we’re happy and calm everyone else is free to be happy and calm. I don’t know about you, but a happy, calm house, with a happy, calm family is one of my top priorities now and always.