3 Ways to Reengage with your Spouse

It’s the beginning of the year and it’s time to take stock of all inventory. Health, finances…and relationships.

It’s my experience that people approach relationships in one of two ways.

Set it and forget it.

OR

Nurture it like a delicate orchid.

Relationships are ever-evolving, dynamic and living things, like a delicate flower. There’s no such thing as “arriving” or “attaining” a healthy relationship. Two people need to feed and foster their connection, otherwise the connection breaks down and energetically things start to disconnect and separate.

This is true regardless of your experience. Perhaps you never saw your parents “work” at their relationship. Maybe they didn’t outwardly demonstrate or show their efforts but if they remained together through thick and thin they did so out of obligation and commitment OR because they CHOSE each other everyday.

When put that way, ask yourself do you want a marriage of convenience? Or do you want one of love, fire and spice, mutual respect and shared values?

If you choose the latter, then it will take some work, everyday, on your part to foster and fuel the connection between you and your partner. As long as you accept that, you can have an epic love affair.

If you’ve lost your spark as a couple, here are 3 ways to reengage with your spouse to get back to a place of connection and fun.

1) Actively Show your Appreciation towards them

When you poll recently divorced people one of the most common reasons they give for getting divorced is that they didn’t feel appreciated by their partner. To show your appreciation you could write notes or make grand gestures with gifts or flowers OR you could just start where I recommend- SPECIFIC and INTENTIONAL words of affirmation. It helps if, like my husband, words of affirmation is your partner’s love language however I would argue every human beams when given a sincere compliment. It’s such a validating and loving experience. Seeing the best in your partner can often reignite some feelings you have for them and it’s one way to remember why you fell in love in the first place. This works well if only one of you is committed to reengaging as well. Because of the Law of Reciprocity, if you sincerely and intentionally show appreciation to your partner, it is often returned in kind. Bonus points if you show appreciation of your partner in front of others they respect and admire.

2) Start Something New

Nothing inspires playfulness and creativity like engaging in a new learning experience or hobby together. Of course you need 2 willing partners to engage in a new hobby like bike riding or dance classes. Don’t have a willing partner? Start small with something like a 3-D jigsaw puzzle or cooking a meal box. When you initiate and set the stage, you may find your partner is more interested and ready to participate. Be prepared to have a no work/no issues/no fighting rule when you engage in YOUR special activity. Protect your time together and leave issues for another time.

3) Get Physical

No, it’s not exactly what you think! Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the "bonding hormone." This stimulates the release of other feel-good hormones, such as dopamine and serotonin, while reducing stress hormones, such as cortisol and norepinephrine. When you engage in physical, nonsexual touch, it rewires your brain to feel good in your partner’s presence if you’re coming off a stretch of discord. It can be as simple as resting your arm on the back of their car seat or playfully swatting them as they walk by you in the house. What to do if your partner doesn’t like or respond to physical touch? Some people have trauma responses or sensory integration problems that preclude them from enjoying physical touch on the surface. Sitting close to them and attempting touch on their terms can go a long way to building trust in that case. A lot of men on the other hand crave more physical touch from their spouse. By giving to your partner to meet their basic human needs, they are again more apt to want to reciprocate and return the favor. Be clear, direct and realistic with what you expect in return- don’t assume they should know how you wish them to reciprocate.

xo, Dr. Lynne