Advice From a Mom Coping With A Freshmen In College And A Senior In High School
It’s the end of September, my oldest has been at school now for a little over a month. He’s settling in to his new environment and at home, we’re all adjusting to a family life that looks a little different. The house is just a bit quieter. Andrew, the middle child has shifted to oldest brother status, and AJ (the youngest) is loving the fact that he has more attention from me and his dad. Believe it or not, that’s not sarcastic, AJ is, in fact, thrilled to have more attention from his parents, because he loves being the center of attention. My husband is continuing on with business as usual, of course. Nothing gets him down, except maybe the occasional worry over how lacrosse is going or if by chance Anthony is racking up thousands of dollars on his credit card.
As for me, I’m mostly ok, and I’m definitely not upset about the lighter laundry load and decrease in cooking which also means less dirty dishes. And yet, I still go by his empty room and feel my breath catch in my throat. I still go to bed at night wishing I could have said good night in person, and every time I get a text or a call from him, I stop whatever it is I’m doing, and my soul lights up like candles on a birthday cake. I imagine this is fairly normal for most moms whose child has just recently gone off to college. I mean, come on, our kids are under our roof for at least 18 summers, maybe more in some cases, and then one day summer comes to an end and you’re packing up the car with most of your child’s belongings to move them out of the only home they’ve ever known.
I admit it, I guess I am being a bit dramatic. Overall, I have to say, I’ve been pretty good with the adjustment. Let’s face it, life marches on despite how you feel or what your circumstances are. There is still work to do, a house to keep, and other kids (for some of us) that need our attention. And besides, I keep telling myself, I’m a big girl, I can put on my big girl pants, it’s not like Anthony has left home for good. Before I know it, he’ll be home for break. Thanksgiving is not actually all that far away, and then we’ll have a month with him at Christmas. “You got this, Brooke, you are a strong, capable, and grounded mother”, I tell myself in my most inspired voice. And, just as I start to believe it, I receive an email from my second son’s high school that starts an earthquake, magnitude 4 on The Richter Scale, through my heart.
The email subject line was harmless enough, “A Note From The Grade 12 Dean”. I clicked and opened the message to read without giving it a second thought. The dean was writing to tell 12th grade parents what a fabulous class she had this year. She was relating that the class of 2024 was a great group of kids, kind, respectful, and lots of fun. My face lit up at her complimentary words, but as I proceeded to read on, the dimmer switch was pressed on my face. The dean harmlessly went on to talk about all the fun events she was looking forward to with the senior class throughout the year, complete with Friday Night Lights, Homecoming, Ski Trip in January, Senior Prom, and yes, even Senior Week that leads right up to graduation. And while I should have been excited about all the fun events ahead this year for my middle son and his class, I was hit hard over the head with the realization that this is it, I’m doing the senior thing all over again with my second son and in a few short months he’ll be graduating and leaving home too.
Maybe you’ll take this opportunity to point out to me that this should’ve been no surprise, since I was there with camera in hand that day in the beginning of September when Andrew started his last first day of school. Ok, fine, you’re right, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I guess I was so wrapped up in missing Anthony and worrying about him adjusting to being away from home that the obvious reality of Andrew being a senior prepping to leave for college got put on the back burner. Or, maybe it was self-preservation. Maybe my momma’s heart just wasn’t ready to deal with kids leaving home back-to-back. I mean is it just too much to ask to keep the nest full for a little longer?!
So now I’m left here in my house on a crisp, sunny, late September afternoon in New England, wallowing just a teeny little bit in my own, dare I say, misery. But, as always, I know I can’t stay there. Because frankly, I’ve tried that, and it got me nowhere accept on the road to more misery. Therefore, I decided to find a way to be productive in the midst of my dilemma and take the opportunity to turn both my kids leaving home, one right after another, into something useful and hopefully even helpful.
See, I realized as I was thinking about Andrew leaving and feeling sad about this being my second go around that I actually had learned quite a bit the first time around. And since you may also be staring down the barrel of senior year now or in a few short years to come, I thought I’d pass on some advice that I learned by trial and error and experience so you’ll be more equipped for the road ahead and hopefully less stressed as well. Let me preface this by saying some of these things can be done the second half of junior year, but if you missed that window, much of this discussion is still relevant for senior year. Read on for my list of necessities when navigating senior year so you not only survive, but you actually thrive, stay present, and enjoy it and your fleeting time with your child at home, just like the mom boss that you are…
Take time to do several college visits at a variety of places. Make sure you visit a small school, a large campus, a city school, and one in the country. We started this process in the spring of Andrew’s junior year, but it’s never too late to start. Exposing your child to a variety of schools will give them a better sense of what type of environment feels right to them. Sometimes they just don’t know until they see it and walk it.
Keep an open dialogue with your child as much as possible. Trust me when I tell you that there will be times that they want nothing to do with you or the conversation and they will be stressed. They get over it. Give them space and wait until their ready. Afterall, it’s a big life decision for them.
Ask questions like, do you want to be in a certain area? Do you prefer a particular climate? Are sports and school spirit important to you? Do you see yourself in a city? Do you want to be close to home or do you feel comfortable living farther away? I find that very often, we think we know our kid and what they want, but when you take the time to listen to them and give them the chance to speak up, you often get surprised. (I would never have guessed that Andrew wanted to go to a huge school with a big sports program)
Purchase this book Fiske Guide To Colleges. It’s hugely helpful when navigating all the different colleges and universities around the country.
If you can afford it, hire a college advisor. We had the benefit of a private high school that had very diligent and experienced counselors assigned to each student sophomore year. Unfortunately, not every school has such offerings, so it might make sense to hire your own. Having a college advisor made the common app so much easier and less stressful to navigate. Plus, they can answer questions that will likely save you countless hours spent googling said answer online.
Check in with your child about what they might want their major to be. While it’s not necessary for a student to know exactly what they want to do with their life while in high school, it helps if they have even a broad idea of what they want to pursue, enabling you to narrow down the schools you focus on.
SAT and ACT are no longer required for many colleges and universities, but they do seem to be on the rise again. Even the schools that don’t require them allow you to submit them. What I’ve found is that with a higher test score, the schools are often more lenient on the GPA, but if no test score is submitted, they will be more stringent with GPA.
Check out this site NICHE.COM to see the demographic breakdown of the college or university of interest with information about how they lean politically. This may help ensure that your child lands at a school where they feel comfortable.
When you do college visits, encourage your child to pay attention to the kids on campus. Being quietly observant may give them a better feel for the campus and whether or not they feel like they would fit in there.
Many schools allow early decision, which means that your child has chosen one university as their top choice and if they’re accepted, they will attend regardless of whether they get any financial aid or scholarships. It is a binding agreement, and you have to apply early. If your child has their heart set on a particular school and it’s a bit of stretch to get in, early decision may be the way to go because it statistically increases their chance of being accepted by a decent margin.
Now you may want to pay particularly close attention to what I’m about to say, because this might be the most important advice I’ll give you today. At some point, it may be the months leading up to senior year, it might be senior year itself, or it might not occur until the summer before they leave, regardless, at some point, you will likely begin to feel like you’re losing control, and that’s because in some ways you are. (If you’re anything like me and crave the certainty of the driver’s seat, this will have you spinning like a top). Your child is becoming an adult, they’re prepping to leave home and you are slowly losing the control you’ve had over their safety, their schooling, and their life. Your first reaction might be to hold on tighter. You may attempt to get your child to stay home more often so they can spend time with you and your family. You may try to schedule more family outings, and you might feel the need to start doing more for them around the house simply because you know that soon you won’t have them around day in and day out. You’ll probably want to shower them with all the mother love you have inside your heart, especially if acts of service is one of your love languages.
But please, I beg of you, don’t do it. Instead, do the opposite! This is the time to start preparing your child and yourself for them forging their own path as an adult. So, allow them more time with their friends, give them more independence, and facilitate them doing more things for themselves, even if that means scheduling their own haircut or doctor’s appointment. Remember that just because they’re grown up and becoming independent, doesn’t mean they love you any less. It’s normal and ok for your relationship to begin to change. Trust me, your heart will handle it and you will be ok.
When all else fails, take a step back and a deep breathe, allow yourself a bit of time to find your footing, so you can more easily relate to your child and keep from either one of you blowing a gasket during this roller coaster of a ride that is the last high school years leading up to graduation and college. Teens can be tricky little monsters, especially when they’re feeling stressed. Very often they take their emotions out on the closest moving target which is often their mother, YAY for us- (sarcasm obviously)! If your child doesn’t want to talk or loses their cool when you attempt to talk, just know that you are not alone. This is common and I found that it’s best to give them their space to brood, but be available and present when they’re ready to talk. And, eventually they almost always talk if you don’t hover and they know you will listen, because as grown up, mature, and independent as they think they are, it turns out, making sense of your future and ascertaining what you want to do with your life is hard work and it’s not usually something that our kids have the resources to do alone. If you thought raising toddlers and littles was hard, welcome to parenting young adults and college students. You ain’t seen nothin yet!