How to Live a Meaningful Life Without Relying on Your Kids for Fulfillment
It was Memorial Day Weekend, the all-important 3 days that signify not only respect for and remembrance of fallen heroes and loved ones, but also the beginning of all things summer. It’s a celebration, especially when you live in New England and can’t wait to shake off the cold remnants of winter. In years past, Memorial Weekend would have us spending time at family barbeques or taking the kids to the pool so they could wade around in the kiddie area and play with their water toys. I remember being utterly exhausted at the end of those days with a slightly sore back from bending over with the littles for hours on end. As the kids got older, we began to take advantage of the 3-day break from school and started traveling with family friends. On those trips, we’d usually hit the beach and then later head off to mini golf with a whole slew of kids in tow. Late night was for the adults to gather around with a cold drink and rest weary feet. This year however, Memorial Weekend was different, and by Monday midafternoon, I was attempting to tenderly comfort my own nostalgic heart.
My kids are grown up. My husband and I are older, and so are our friends. Our lives no longer revolve 100% around our kids, because they’re beginning to live a life of their own. Of this fact, I am well aware, but it became even more obvious over the long weekend. Friday was my oldest son, Anthony’s, graduation from high school. Fortunately, Lynne and her family traveled from the Midwest to celebrate with us. Friday, and Saturday flew by with lunching, nice dinners, shopping, and celebrating Anthony. But by Sunday, the house was quiet. Already that weekend, I had barely seen Anthony, he was hopping from one graduation party to the next. Andrew, my second son found himself at his girlfriend’s house for a cook out, and AJ, the youngest in the family was at a friend’s house for a pool party. After my husband and I attended a graduation party on Sunday afternoon, the house was eerily quiet. And when I woke up Monday morning, I was left wondering what to do.
This was the first Memorial Day that our family had nothing planned together. There was no parade we were attending with toddlers dressed in their best red, white, and blue. There was no pool, or beach day, no barbeque, and no miniature golf. Each of my kids were going their separate ways, and I was happy for them. But, at the same time, I was honestly feeling a little bad for myself. I attempted to entice my husband into doing something for the day. “What do you feel like doing today?” I asked. “Not sure”, he replied. “I thought about hitting golf balls, or cleaning up the yard” “Maybe I’ll take the opportunity to clean out and organize my closet” He finished.
You guys, seriously! My husband actually said he was thinking of cleaning out his closet on Memorial Day! What are we, 80?! This was a far cry from the days of wading in the kiddie pool with rambunctious kids, the warm sun beating down on our back. I’m not gonna lie, when he said the closet thing, a little tiny piece of my heart cracked just a bit. Now, maybe I’m being dramatic. I certainly do have the tendency toward drama, no one, least of all me is denying that. But being faced with nothing to do on Memorial Day besides clean out a bedroom closet drove home the fact that our life was changing in a big way! Some of those changes, I cannot control. I get it, and I’ve accepted the fact that our babies are grown and we don’t have as much family time as we used to. Still, there are things that I do not have to accept, and one of those is how my husband and I choose to spend a Monday off, even if the kids are away doing their own thing.
I quickly rallied my husband. It didn’t take too much persistence, as he’s usually a good sport and ready to be on the move. We went to a favorite place to eat and had lunch outside together in the sun. We chatted about the boys and what this summer would look like. I shared that I was feeling a little anxious about not seeing the boys as much as I’d like. We then took a quick trip into the city before heading home. I should also mention, it was a lovely day to drive with the top down! Life may be changing quickly for us, but all was not lost! The wind in my hair reminded me that some things in life don’t change. The constants are comforting. Regardless of what life has in store or where my boys go in life, the sun will always rise and set and the wind will continue to blow. Is it obvious that I am in full-blown reflection mode?
There was still a good portion of the day left by the time we arrived home from our little couple’s excursion. I did a bit of work, and then I took some time to pause and reflect. The thing is, ever since my boys were little, some small recess of my brain has held onto the fearful thought that when they grow up, I’ll lose them. On countless occasions, I’ve considered that I don’t have any daughters, and my sons will eventually leave home to be with their wives and their families. I know this is outdated and antiquated, and yet, I still can’t quite let go of this belief. Taking time to think through my feelings made me realize that I was troubled because my oldest was at the beach with his girlfriend and her family and my middle son was at his girlfriend’s house for a party. Listen, I know, I probably sound ridiculous and caddy, but also, this is real stuff. Somewhere, my subconscious is holding on to this belief, dated as it may be, and the progression of the weekend was fueling the emotional fire in my brain. This was going to require some unpacking.
Fortunately for me, I have a call every Tuesday with two very good, trust worthy friends on the west coast. I decided to bring my midlife mothering conundrum to them, hoping they would ease my heart. At this point, let me just say, that’s not exactly what happened, because these ladies are not ones to blow smoke and talk all puppies and rainbows just to make you feel better. They tell it like it is, even if it’s hard to hear. It’s one of the reason’s I appreciate them and hold them in such high regard. Knowing this, I shouldn’t have been surprised or ready to fall out of my chair when one of them said, “Brooke, you’re dang right, your boys are going to grow up and live their own life and leave you, and they should. That’s exactly what boys do. It’s normal and it’s healthy.” My mother-in-law comes to town unannounced all the time and stays for weeks on end, and it’s not ok.” She went on to say, that while she feels for her mother-in-law and loves her, her MIL makes it hard for her family to live their own life. She creates unnecessary stress for them, and my friend longs for her to start living her own life instead of continuing to latch on to her son’s.
Wow. Just wow. That was hurtful. But also, I needed to hear it. Because, the last thing I would ever want to do is create stress for my boys and their families when and if they have them. Similarly, I would never want is to be so disenchanted or bored in my own life, that I need to be constantly engulfed in my kid’s adult life. I, for one, do not want to be that mother. Of course, I want to spend time with my children as we all grow older. Naturally, I can’t wait to be involved with grandkids if that day comes. But I do not want them to be the center and focus of my whole life. I want my own life. I want my own fun. And I never, ever want to be an annoyance to my kids and their future families. So, what to do? Because, we should all know by now that a meaningful, joy-filled life doesn’t just fall at our door step. We have to be intentional and we have to work for it. Here are the things I believe we all need to do if we want to be strong, secure and happy in our own life without depending on getting all of our joy and happiness from our kids…
Participate in activities that are fun or meaningful to you. Things like: golfing, tennis, pickle ball, hiking, book clubs, or crocheting comes to mind.
Take a class- Learn a new language. Take music lessons. Learn to make pottery. Enroll in a drawing or writing class.
Volunteer. Find a cause you’re passionate about and give back. Fill at least some of you day with contributing to the world around you.
Take some time to get to know yourself better. After all these years, you still probably don’t know fully know who you are at a deep core level. Your current identity may in fact be completely wrapped up in your kids. Now is the time to rediscover yourself. What do you love? What are you passionate about? What sets your heart on fire? What values are important to you. Take some time to sit with these questions. Reflect, and maybe even journal through them. When you know, love, and respect yourself, you’ll be so much more comfortable confident, and content in your life instead of feeling complacent. If you want to learn more about yourself and what you can do to have more purpose in your Life after Kids, take the What’s Your Purpose Quiz Here.
Similarly, get to know your partner better and on a deeper level. Our relationship with our significant other is more important now than ever before. As we move through this phase of life, the house becomes quieter and the activity level begins to slow. We need someone we love, someone we can count on, someone we can laugh with to be by our side. We need someone to enjoy our days with. It’s not uncommon to have a bit of a rocky road with your partner at this point in time. So much of your life together revolved around the kids and all of their activities. Now that the kids are older and some of those activities are dissipating, you may need to take some time to have get to know each other again. Make this a priority. A few suggestions here: schedule a weekly date night, find an activity you can both enjoy doing together, look for tv shows that will entertain you both that you can binge watch together on rainy days or late nights. And most importantly, be the person you want your spouse to be. If you want more respect, light-heartedness, fun, understanding, etc., be those things to your spouse first. Instead of telling them what to do or badgering them, be a model- a reflection of what you want and need. If you’ve really hit a rocky road, don’t hesitate to seek out counseling. There is absolutely no shame in it. It’s far better to take time to work out your issues, than it is to sweep everything under the rug, being passive aggressive, and living life in a stagnant, stale unfulfilling relationship. Life is too short for that sort of BS.
Finally, facilitate and grow friendships. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. It is absolutely imperative that you have strong connections and friendships around you, not only to support you and lift you up when you’re down, but also to laugh with, have fun with, and go on adventures with. If you stop living life, stop playing, and stop having fun you’ll age much more rapidly. Notably, research out of Harvard found that the single most important factor for your physical health and longevity is connection, community, and friendship. Human beings are not meant to do life alone. When we hit midlife and our kids leave home, these connections become even more important. A few things I mentioned earlier apply here. For example, start by understanding and knowing yourself better. If you want to attract the right friends, you have to know who you are and you must be willing to speak your truth while putting yourself out there. Also, the same rules that applied to your partner apply here. Be the friend you want to have. Now maybe you’re wondering where to find more friends, I suggest being active in your community and/or church. Join a book club or a running group. Join a gym. Look for like-minded groups on social media. The Life after Kids Private Facebook Group is a great place to start. You can JOIN IT HERE.
Life is short and precious. I believe this is the biggest lesson that this phase of life has to teach us. We don’t have time to waste being miserable or living vicariously through our kids. It’s time to live our life on our terms, for us. It’s time to let go of all the clutter weighing us down and live a lighter life of joy. We’re getting older and so are our kids. There are days we won’t want to accept that fact. Times where we’ll be bored, wishing we had a child around to take to the park or the pool. This is a normal and common part of being a midlife mom. But regardless of our acceptance, life is changing none the less. So, we should get busy living a joyful life, secure in who we are and content in how we spend our days. We should find and do the things that light us up. We should make an impact on the world. We should grow strong and meaningful relationships with friends and our partners. Of course, we will want to spend time with our kids and their kids. I imagine this will be a massive source of joy as we navigate later years of our life. However, we should resolve to not rely on our kids and where their life takes them to satisfy our craving for something more in midlife, because making them the center of our world and refusing to see other possibilities for our life could be ruinous. If we don’t create and grow our own life apart from our kids, I fear we won’t only create a stressful, emotional roller coaster ride for ourselves, but we could also create a great deal of stress for our children and their families. And that my friends, is the last thing we should be hoping to achieve in Life after Kids.