Are you worried about a divorce now that your kids have left home?
If you google the most common concerns about an empty nest, divorce and distance from a spouse is one of the top 5 most pressing problems for women when it comes to that transition time around our kids leaving home.
It’s no wonder…many marriages have endured years of stress and living in survival mode with juggling crazy schedules and the demands and pressures of work and life. Some of us have been guilty of throwing ourselves too far into child caring and leaving no time or energy to devote to the marriage. If this describes your marriage, it’s not going to happen overnight but I’ve coached many couples who are able to successfully reinvent and reimagine their relationships, even after many years of neglect. There’s hope and I’m going to share what worked for them in rediscovering their romantic relationship during this time in life.
Before I jump in, it’s important to note I’m not a mental health professional. If you’re dealing with past trauma or major trust issues it might be necessary for you to start with individual mental health therapy and then follow that with couples counseling. But, in my experience this describes just a portion of couples who are struggling. If there’s no history of abuse, addiction or adultery and you’ve simply lost your spark with your husband and want help getting started to find your way back together there are a few important things to consider.
1) DECIDE TO FACE THE HARD STUFF TOGETHER- The most successful couples I have worked with started with the idea that they are facing the world, their future, the good and the bad “linked arms facing the same direction” metaphorically speaking. In other words, they began with the attitude that they are ON THE SAME TEAM, not on opposing teams or worse, playing separate games. Happiness as a couple will be nearly impossible if your backs are against each other as you face problems together. You have to trust that your partner will be there for you and is with you in the trenches. Can you remember 5 times when your husband ‘had your back?’ What exactly did he do that made you feel supported in that moment? Can you remember 5 times when you’ve had your husband’s back? If this is a complaint point for you, make sure you’re giving back what you are asking for. Have a positive and constructive conversation about all of the times that you have supported each other through thick and thin.
2) KNOW YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE- Dr. Gary Chapman’s work on Love Languages is absolutely groundbreaking. If you and your spouse haven’t taken the quiz yet, it’s free and easy. It can be found at www.5lovelanguages.com. The biggest takeaway is that we each have a different way of giving and wanting to receive love. Your partner may be showing you love all day, every day but unlesss you know his love language and especially if it’s different than yours you may not be able to recognize it. For example, one of my husband’s love languages is Physical Touch. He would often try to touch me, hold my hand or just want to hold me while we sat on the couch. It’s not my love language and I would often feel smothered. But, from his lens we was actively trying to show me his love. When we learned about each others ways of giving and wanting love it really helped to open up our eyes to see how we individually express love and we got better about giving love in the way that we prefer. One of my top love languages is Acts of Service and he’s gotten so much better at doing the little things, like making my coffee or picking up the house. Sometimes we have to give before we can receive. As women, our men generally want to please us- when we recognize that, validate and encourage them, it makes them want to do that even more.
3) DEDICATE TIME FOR EACH OTHER DOING FUN THINGS- Now that the kids are up and out, it leaves large amounts of time to spend together. At first it might be hard and awkward to do that if you’ve been on different trajectories. So, have a conversation and adopt the mentality that you’re going to date each other again. Ask yourself, what were the qualities and characteristics that first attracted you to your partner? Can you still recognize those things in your partner today? Very often when we first meet we are attracted to all of the qualities that our partner has that are different from us. Over the years, we forget that we once loved those unique features and tenets of our partners and instead we PROJECT our particular way of coping or doing things on our partner, causing a separation of sorts. Nothing is more harmful to a marriage than the inability to see that 2 people can accomplish the same result in 2 different ways. In fact, we are all hard-wired completely different. Learning about each others Strengths has been extremely helpful for my clients when it comes to reconnecting in their marriage. So, take a poll of all of the ways that your partner is different than you and vice versa. Celebrate your differences! There should be no envy or jealousy because if you are able to see your own personal Strengths than you recognize that you are gifted and so is your partner. It’s the synergy that comes from combining these individual strengths into a couple that can be magical. Individually, you’re great. But together, you are stronger and more complete. So take some time to explore that but as a start spend time together doing fun things! Adrenaline and new experiences have a way of rekindling love like no other!
xo,
Dr. Lynne