Taking Care Of An Aging Loved One
They say it takes a village…
To raise your kids.
It’s true.
I’m here to tell you it also takes a village to care for an elderly loved one.
Case in point. My husband’s grandmother, Mimi, moved to Massachusetts 5 years ago to be close to us. She’ll be 99 next month. She is blind. And, we’re her primary care takers. Mimi has been under our care for 5 years. My husband’s mother was an only child, and Ken (my husband) is an only child. So, when Ken’s mother passed away from cancer 5 years ago, we became Mimi’s custodians. Now, my husband and I are busy with our careers and raising/launching 3 boys, 2 teenagers and 1 adult. Needless to say, we’re spread pretty thin, so we welcome any help we get with Mimi. Hence, it takes a village.
Ken and I have spent most of our lives together pouring our energy and time into taking care of and raising our kids. We never considered that once the kids grew up, we’d transition to caring for an elderly loved one. I’m sure some of you can relate. These years have been hard, but they’ve also been a blessing. They are years I’d never trade. And I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’d like to share them with you now.
1. If your loved one is still of sound mind, ask them what they want and what they believe is best for them. Far too often we assume that just because our loved one is elderly, they can’t think for themselves or don’t know what’s best for them. It’s easy to disregard their thoughts and opinions. I believe this is a mistake and a surefire way to disrespect and belittle them. It disempowers our loved one and makes them feel unseen and unheard. At this stage, our loved one is hanging on to any and all shred of strength, free will, and independence they have. And believe it or not, they may actually know what’s best for them. Even if they don’t, it’s still healthy to have these conversations and allow them to express themselves and their opinions.
Several years ago, when Ken’s mother was at the end of her life after battling a tremendously hard fight with cancer, I asked Mimi where she wanted to live when Ken’s mom was gone. I’ll never forget that conversation. It cracks my heart wide open to this day. Mimi broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. Through tears and a wavering voice, she quietly said she’d been so worried about what was going to happen to her, but she didn’t want to say anything because she knew everyone needed to focus on Ken’s mom. She went on to say, “if at all possible, I’d like to move to Massachusetts to be close to you, Kenny, and the boys.”
Here's the thing, before that conversation with Mimi, Kenny and I had countless discussions about what to do with her. We speculated that she would want to remain in PA close to her friends and family. We were looking for the safest and best way to keep her there and keep her happy and healthy. Had it not been for my conversation with Mimi, Ken and I wouldn’t have known she want to make the move to Mass. But, she did, and we made it happen. We made it work. I’m so glad she was able to talk. And, I’m so glad we listened.
2. Take care of yourself first so you can show up better for your loved one. You must put on your own oxygen mask first. Taking care of an elderly loved one can be all consuming, especially if they live with you or they’re very ill. You must take time for yourself. It’s not selfish. In the long run, if you feel better, you’ll show up better for them. So, take the time for a daily walk or other body movement. Read a book. Have a cup of tea. Go grab a glass of wine with a friend and vent. Schedule a date night with your spouse or partner. It’s ok to enjoy moments of your life even if your loved one is suffering. I guarantee they’d want you to. And the time you spend with them will be a little easier for you if you find time and ways for selfcare and a bit of relaxation.
3. Every phone call, every visit with your loved one won’t be a good one. There will be many days they don’t feel good or they’re frustrated. Some days they’ll be angry, confused, or even depressed. You may get the brunt of it, and that’s ok. The gift on those days is that you showed up, you loved them unconditionally, and you did the hard thing. You put them first. Don’t take their words or their behavior personally. Don’t hold on to it. Remember that you’re doing the best you can, and at the end of the day, your loved one loves you and appreciates you even if they don’t know how to express it. When you show up in the hard moments and LOVE them even when they’re unlovable, you’re giving them the greatest gift. Remember that there is faith. There is hope. And, there is LOVE. And, the greatest of these is LOVE.
4. Try for a moment to put yourself in your loved one’s shoes. If you were in their situation, how would you want to be treated? Always remember to treat them that way. Consider my life’s motto, the thing I’ve been teaching my kids since they were babes. “Treat other people the way you want to be treated”. It really is that simple, and it applies here.
5. Let’s talk about that village again. Ken and I rely on each other. We’ve placed Mimi in an assisted living facility, and we also have 3 amazing women who spend time with Mimi and take care of her needs several days a week. Very often that looks like doing a crossword puzzle with her, doing her nails, or fixing her hair. I’m not sure what we’d do without these wonderful women. We also have countless family members and friends that call Mimi regularly to check in and probably gossip a little too. LOL! These people keep Mimi going and smiling. On the flip side, if you know of someone who is taking care of an elderly loved one, don’t hesitate to reach out to them. Offer them a kind word or text. Give them a call or invite them out for a cup of coffee. Being a care taker can make you feel like you’re on a sinking ship all by yourself. Be the life preserver for the person on that ship. I can’t express how much it means to me when a friend reaches out just to ask how Mimi is doing.
6. Hug your loved one. Hold their hand. Pat their back. Give them a kiss. They need affection and personal touch. It’s often a lonely world for them. So, if by chance, you loved one asks you to sit on their lap in their recliner, do it. You’ll be glad you did. When Mimi’s gone, I won’t hold on to the hard days. I’ll choose to remember that time Mimi asked me to sit on her lap. I felt silly, but I obliged. And while sitting in that recliner with her it was just like I was young again. She was radiating love and I was soaking up every second. I felt safe. I was at peace. I felt hopeful. And most importantly, we both felt LOVED.
There are many hard days taking care of an aging person. But the clouds sometimes part. The storm doesn’t last forever. And, you will see the sun. And when the sun shines, put your face to it, cherish it, and be grateful for the warm moments.