In Midlife, Should We Stay In The Present Moment Or Look Toward The Future?
What is it about this phase of life that causes so many of us anxiety and worry? We’re getting older and our kids are growing up, and you’d think as women and mother’s we’d be experienced enough, wise enough, and old enough to finally quit worrying about the future. But, if we’re being honest with ourselves, no matter what age we are and no matter how old our kids get, we’ll always worry, at least a little bit. It seems the worry doesn’t go away. Instead, the things we worry about change as life circumstances change.
As a certified grade A, prime time worrier who’s prone to anxiety, imagine my relief after learning some of the principles in Eckhart Tolle’s book, “The Power of Now.” The over arching message is that all we have is the present and in order to be calmer, happier, and more peaceful, we must learn to stay in the present moment, ignoring the past and future. Essentially, we should stop reliving the past because it’s gone and no longer exits. And, we should stop thinking about the future, because it hasn’t happened yet. Besides, it’s likely that most of the things we’re worried about won’t happen anyway. Tolle’s concept is so simple, and yet so powerful. By learning to stay in the moment, being fully aware of and engaged in what is, we stop worrying about what could be. Even the Gospel speaks of this principle. In fact, Jesus himself said, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” I know, I know, very often, this is easier said than done. Staying in the present moment, being grateful for what is, and ingnoring what could be down the road isn’t always easy. Believe me, I’ve been practicing these principles for years, and telling others to do the same. For the most part, it really does help. But then, as life would have it, just as I was getting comfortable with a different approach to life, using a practical tool for managing worry and anxiety, a new concept come along.
Recently a trusted friend recommended the book, “Be Your Future Self Now” by Dr. Benjamin Hardy. The title intrigued me, I trust my friend’s taste in books, and I admire Dr. Hardy’s work, so I jumped right in. Let me tell you, it didn’t take much reading before my socks were knocked off. I’m not gonna lie, my mind was blown a little. Because, essentially Dr. Hardy says that if you want to become a better version of you then you must contemplate your future. He even quotes Dan Sullivan who says, “The only way to make your present better is by making your future bigger”. Dr. Hardy explains himself further by saying that we have to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, envisioning it, even seeing ourselves in it and how we want it to be. In this way, we can start to take steps in the present to ensure that we live the life we want, becoming all that we’re capable of being. He describes taking a full day to act like your future self. In other words, think about how your future self would want to look back on the day you are currently in and live that way. For example, my future self would want to see me spending time with my kids, enjoying them, and laughing with them because my future self knows how fast this time goes by. She wouldn’t want me wasting time in the day being angry or lazy. And, my future self would want me to choose the healthier meal choice because she knows how it will impacts her in the future.
Wait. WHAT?!
For years I’ve been practicing staying in the present moment and ignoring the future. And now, suddenly that’s been flipped on it’s head and I’m being told to dwell on the future if I want my life to improve. So what gives? What’s a girl to do? I needed several days to digest this new idea, process it, and determine if it made sense for me. Here’s what I’ve come up with.
Staying in the present moment and ignoring the past and future can give symptomatic relief to worry and anxiety. I know, because it’s helped me. But like so many other symptomatic fixes, this practice doesn’t necessarily get to the cause. For instance, if we ignore the past, how do we make amends, learn from our mistakes, and heal fully from trauma?
Ignoring the future and staying in the present moment could in fact lead to a rather hedonistic lifestyle. If all you think about is the present moment, then you’ll choose the easy thing. You’ll choose the path of least resistance. You’ll choose what feels best in the moment. IE you’ll always eat the cake, have that extra drink, relax instead of workout, and so on, because you’ll do what feels good in the moment without considering consequences. After all, according to Tolle, “Everything you feel and sense takes place in the present. That's all life is: A series of present moments”
If all we ever did was stay in the present moment, why would we ever feel the need for growth, or self improvement, because all that matters is right now.
Since my kids were little, I’ve taught them that all their actions have consequences for the future. Do we now just ignore consequences? After all, we are ignoring the future.
How do we plan for the future and create the life we want if we don’t put focus there, setting goals while envisioning the life we want
Some of my greatest life lessons have come from pain I’ve experienced in the past, why would I choose to ignore it and try to not feel it? Are we being too protective with ourselves?
If I ignore the past and don’t remember all that I’ve made it through and the things I’ve accomplished, I may not realize that I’m strong enough to get through whatever life throws at me.
As a mother in midlife with one young adult son and 2 teenage sons prepping to leave home, I’ll admit there are days that I struggle. Sometimes I long for the past and feel sad, which leads me to worry about all the change, feeling unsteady amidst the upheaval as if I’m standing on shaky ground. Other times I worry about the future. Will my kids be ok? How will I age? What will my health be like? What will I look like? How will I feel? Will my joints ache all the time? The number of worries about the future and the mourning over the past can be gut wrenching. And in those moments, it’s easier for me to take Tolle’s advice: stay in the present moment, ignore the past and future, pour that small glass of wine and enjoy it. But, I’ve never been one to take the easy way out. Plus, thinking about the past, looking through pictures of my kids when they were little, reminiscing while laughing about things we’ve done and the adventure we’ve had brings me so much joy even as my heart is cracking wide open. In the same way, immersing myself in the future forces me to set goals for myself and have a plan for my life. It holds me accountable to all the decisions I’m currently making. Because, I know that the lifestyle choices I make today will affect who I am tomorrow.
I don’t know about you, but I want to live a long, joyful, energetic life, enjoying my kids, traveling with my husband, and having adventures with my grandkids. I want to live each day fully as the best version of me. I want to do what I can to make sure my best days are ahead. And when it’s all said and done, it seems to me that I have a much better chance of accomplishing this if I focus on my future, and learn from my past rather than ignoring them and staying only in the present moment.