What I Learned About Midlife From My Dark Night Of The Soul
I was lying in bed the other night wrestling with my thoughts. Sleep was eluding me. I was restless and also overwhelmed by a sense of dread that I haven’t had in quite some time. It’s a feeling I thought I was over, but turns out my old friend came crawling back for an evening rendevue. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was stress. Or, maybe I was emotional because I’ve been sharing alot with our audience and writing about all the things we go through in Midlife. Whatever the case, I had the sense of my life being on the down swing- a sense that I had reached the peak and was on the way back down the mountain. My kids are growing up, I’m almost 46, I’m looking older, I’m grayer, and I’ll never be as spry as I was before. Plus, I was feeling like all those years the kids were little and needed me, I screwed up. In the early years of parenting, I was exhausted, emotional, running on empty, and not very often present and enjoying the moment. Because most days, I was just trying to survive and make sure everyone was fed and got to where they needed to be.
I was feeling guilty. These were the gloomy thoughts playing on repeat in my head: I missed alot in those years, I didn’t savor them enough, and I didn’t make the most of them because I was busy putting out fires and just getting by. And guess what, I can’t get those years back. The realization hit me hard and I felt cold inside. Now my kids are teens. They’re independent. They have girlfriends. And, they’re prepping to leave the house and start their own lives. I know this is a good thing. I know they can’t stay young forever. Frankly, when they were young I was complaining that they needed to grow up quicker so I could have some freedom. (The irony is not lost on me here.) But that night lying in my bed in the dark, I thought, I just want to hold on a little longer. I want one more snuggle in bed at night before they drift off to sleep, one more story book to read to them, one more rocking chair moment with an off key lullabye, one more little hand in mine as we slowly cross the street. I want to bottle all of this up and feel it again. But, I know that’s not going to happen. Time marches on and things change. It’s the only constant in life.
So what am I going to do? Am I going to have more nights of no sleep. More dark moments? Tears? Pity parties? More “woe is me, I’m miserable and there’s nothing I can do about it life is passing me by” days. Maybe. It’s ok to feel the feels and sit with them. It’s healthy to contemplate and process pain, grief, and sadness. The feelings are real, and to ignore them and shove them under the rug is not going to serve me well. But here’s the key point. I AM NOT GOING TO STAY THERE. See, I refuse to get stuck wallowing in the things I can not change. I am determined to focus on the present, the future, and the needles I can move. Because, at the end of the day, my kids are growing up and they’ll go to school and they’ll live their lives, but that does not mean that my life is over. I am 45ish but that does not mean I don’t have plenty of life to live. If I’m being honest, I’m healthier now than I’ve ever been and I intend on keeping it that way. Here’s my resolve….
I will learn from the past and be present with my kids, savoring the moments I have with them now. I will cherish the moments I had with them when they were little with a smile on my face. But, I will not spend my days lamenting the moments that have past. And, I will not feel guilty about all the things I did wrong because that won’t change the past. I will, however, create new memories and look forward to each of them. There’s a funny, odd lesson I’ve learned here that I want to share with you. See, I’m all into dreaming big and living big. I’m into planning big trips and big moments with my family. I feel this push even more now as my kids are getting older. In fact, Dr. Lynne and I are planning Iceland this year and Greece or Spain next year. We’re going to Santa Fe and we’re looking forward to a summer on the lake. So what’s funny or odd about that? Absolutley nothing, they’ll be great memories, and I look forward to them. But, here’s the big take home. You ready?…
The other day I was at Anthony’s (my oldest son’s) lacrosse game. They had a huge win and he was a major contributor. But the thing that I’ll carry away with me from that game isn’t the goals or the assists. It’s how he walked so confidently off the field smiling. The way he carried himself. The way he hugged his friends and fans and gave high fives. But most especially, I’ll remember the way he ignored everybody else for a moment and walked to the edge of the field to hug his dad and then moved over to me for a hug. It’s the feel of that hug, the eye contact, the look on his face. That’s what I’ll carry in my heart forever. Here’s the thing I realized shortly after that hug. Yeah, the vacays, the planned celebrations and big events are fun and meaningul, but it’s the little things, the daily things, the things we often take for granted and could miss if we blink that are the most important and most impactful. These are the things we really need to be present for. These are the things we need to show up for. These are the things that make midlife so meaningful. And PS, no matter their age, no matter where they live or what they do, our kids are never too grown up for a hug, and a hug lasts a lifetime.
So I’ll leave you with an excerpt from the Serenity Prayer of 1940
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
In midlife, with all the change and transition, may each of us have the serenity to accept our kids growing up and our bodies getting older. May we have the courage to become the healthiest, most vibrant versions of ourselves so we can live each day to the fullest. May we be emotionally balanced and completely present in each day we live, enjoying every big and little moment we have with our children, our spouses, our family and friends. And, may we find peace in this precious phase of life.
XOXO,
Dr. Brooke