Forgiveness Is The Key To Unlocking Peace And Emotional Health In Midlife
Toxicity is a buzzword in today’s world, especially regarding people. How many times have you heard, “remove toxic people from your life,” “end the toxic relationship,” “her behavior and words are toxic,” and so on? Similarly, “setting boundaries” is a popular, maybe even trendy, phrase. In fact, I’ve written articles and filmed vlogs about boundaries and their importance in regard to our emotional health. I firmly believe there is a time and place for setting boundaries. And it’s sometimes necessary to remove toxic people from your life to stay balanced and healthy emotionally. (Self-preservation is a thing)
Still, I can’t help but wonder if we’ve gone too far in the other direction. Can we be too quick to assign a toxic label before attempting to solve a problem with an individual? Do we remove people from our lives under the guise of “boundary” and “safety” simply because it’s easier to do than to deal with the issue or work on our own heart? Are we doing more harm than good by merely turning away? Do we need to start practicing more FORGIVENESS and a little less “I’m done with you”? Have we forgotten entirely about redemption? I’ve asked myself these same questions many times. And now, I pose them to you.
I get it. This is a challenging conversation. It might even be upsetting or triggering to you. But I’ve never been one to steer away from hard conversations. Usually, hard conversations are important ones. They can, in fact, be the life-changing ones. In the interest of complete transparency, I have indeed had this conversation with myself, which has been life-changing. I assure you that I have worked for years on my physical health, my mental health, and my emotional well-being, but nothing moved the needle for me like the practice of forgiveness. Forgiveness healed my heart (seriously, the regular heart palpitations stopped). It improved my sleep. It decreased my stress. It made me whole. It changed my life. And it came after a long bout of boundary setting that I believed would be good for me.
Before we go further, let me state a disclaimer. I am not a mental health expert. I hold no degree in psychology. I have absolutely no issue with therapy and realize it can be very beneficial and healing. Also, I don’t pretend to walk in your shoes or know the extent of grievances or abuse you may or may not have experienced. Only you know what’s best for your life, both physically and emotionally. If you choose to read further, understand that this conversation is based on personal experience only. It is raw, vulnerable, and truthful. I encourage you to read with an open mind and then give yourself space and time to process whether or not you need to bring more forgiveness into your own life. That being said, let’s dive in.
It was a few short years ago, and Dr. Lynne and I had just returned from traveling with our families. On the outside, life looked pretty darn good. But on the inside, I had been struggling significantly for years. I was battling anxiety, depression, and aspects of my physical health as well. I was waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, heart thumping out of my chest, unable to calm myself. I was having constant heart palpitations, horrible digestion, insane periods, and unmanageable stress. I was not a joy to be around, and without a doubt, my husband and my kids suffered for it.
The anxiety and palpitations led to therapy and then a visit to a cardiologist since it was determined that at least some of my symptoms were coming from emotional imbalance. I spent months in therapy talking through past wrongs, “trauma,” and hurts. And the more I spoke, the worse I felt. I went into therapy sure that if I could unpack all the hurt in my heart regarding the past and what I deemed “toxic relationships”, then I would finally shake off the anxiety, the racing thoughts, and the sleepless nights that plagued me. But the deeper I got into the rabbit hole, the worse I felt. I also began to see myself as more and more of a victim, with a “poor me mentality”. I started justifying why cutting out certain people from my life was right and beneficial for me. I assumed that if I focused on myself, set boundaries, and stopped engaging with people I felt hurt by, I would begin to heal.
Unfortunately, nothing could’ve been further from the truth. My sleep was getting worse, I was more anxious than ever, and when we arrived back from our trip, another horribly stressful confrontation nearly sent me over the edge. So, I disengaged entirely. I vowed to set harder lines in the sand with deeper boundaries. In the meantime, I began to pick apart and focus on my physical health. I had some GI testing done. I dialed in my eating even more. I started to move my body even better. And I upped my morning routine game. I was wholly committed to healing and empowering myself, not only for me but for my husband and kids.
A funny thing happens when you change your eating, body movement, and stress management. You do actually start to feel better. And a few months later, I was on a good path. Yet, even with all the work I had been doing on my physical and emotional health, I still had occasional heart palpitations. I was still fatigued. And my sleep, while improved, was still subpar. And then, as so often happens, a wrench was thrown into my big plans for healing and boundary setting. My husband, my kids, and I were invited to a big life event. The invitation led me to a crossroads. I had an important decision to make. Was I going to honor my boundaries, protect myself from “toxic situations”, and decline the invitation? Or was I going to accept the proverbial olive branch and attend the event? Well, my mama heart made the decision for me. See, my kids really wanted to go and I decided that I could suck up my own issues in order for them to reconnect with people they love for a weekend.
You may have already guessed it, but just in case, I did actually survive that weekend. Not only did I survive, but to my surprise, I had a lovely time. I laughed, danced, had good conversations, and had a very healing conversation with someone I had previously been very close to. I almost fell out of my chair when I discovered that we were both dealing with the exact same physical and emotional issues. This is not to say that any of us, me or the other people in my life, talked through the past or had an opportunity to explain ourselves, ask for forgiveness, or give forgiveness. None of that happened. I’ve come to grips with the fact that these types of healing conversations and activities will never happen. It’s water under the bridge, and bringing up the past would likely worsen things. And I’m ok without closure because my heart began to mend that weekend. A veil was removed from my eyes, and I saw some important truths very clearly…
Several years had passed since I had begun to disengage. Children I loved with all my heart were growing up, and older individuals were getting older. I realized I had missed a lot. These were years that I couldn’t get back. I realized too that life is short and I didn’t want to look back 10, 20, or 30 years down the road, regretting the boundaries I put in place and the memories I missed making perhaps in light of the death of somebody I would never have the chance to make amends with.
There are always two sides to every story, and nobody is perfect, including you. It’s just much easier to assume everybody else is in the wrong while you were a saint through all the turmoil. It’s hard to come down off the self-righteous pedal stool you put yourself on. And it’s far less difficult to put the blame on everyone else because then you have no work to do on yourself, nothing to apologize for, and no changes you need to make to your own behavior.
The moment you stop seeing yourself as a victim of your past is the moment you start to become victorious in your own life.
You don’t have to receive an apology to forgive somebody. And, forgiving somebody doesn’t mean that you’re ok with the ways in which they hurt you. It just means that you forgive out of love for yourself, you move on and let it go, because you are unwilling to let past wounds continue to hurt you in the present or the future.
You can’t change people. You can’t change who they are or how they act. So, you have a few choices. You can stay away from them as much as possible. You exhaust yourself trying to change them. You can repeatedly hurt yourself, expecting them to be different in new situations. Or you can accept them for who they are, knowing that they aren’t going to change, and choose to love them anyway. You can stop letting yourself be emotionally triggered by their behavior. Ultimately, you can’t change the actions of somebody else, but you can change how you react.
If you choose not to forgive someone, if you remain angry and harbor bitterness, likely the only person you are hurting is yourself. That anger and animosity will tear you up and spit you out. It will keep you from being the wife, mother, and woman that you want to be. It will stop you from healing, growing, and living a purposeful life. So, if for no other reason, forgive others for yourself.
It's been several years since that weekend, and some things haven’t changed. For instance, I continue to work daily on my physical, emotional, and mental health. I am committed to showing up as my best self every day. And I’m still choosing forgiveness, love, and family over anger, hurt, and the need to be right. What’s changed, you might ask? So many things…
I’m happier and healthier now than ever before. My relationships are stronger today than they’ve been in years. I’m stronger, too. I’m also kinder, more authentic, and more at peace, and my husband and kids see it. All of this has been possible simply because I chose to let go of the past, forgive, and move on.
I say simply, but it’s not always all that simple. It takes a lot of work. For example, I’ve taken down some of my boundaries and chosen the word imperfect over toxic. I often remind myself to extend the same grace, mercy, and forgiveness to others that I would like to have extended to myself. It’s that whole “remove the plank from your own eye first” thing. Finally, I’ve offered up countless prayers, I’ve grown spiritually, and I’ve relied on a God who embodies love and forgiveness to soften and heal my own heart. In the words of the Beatles, “Love is all you need”. Second to love is forgiveness. Forgiveness for others and forgiveness for yourself. And when you forgive, you can begin to let go of the role of victim, instead stepping into the role of victor of your own Life after Kids.