What To Expect When Your Child Goes To College
“When my child was born it was like part of my heart was suddenly living outside of my body”. How many times have we heard or said this as moms? You spend approximately 9 long months growing them inside your body, feeding them, feeling them move, nurturing them, and loving them unconditionally even though you’ve never actually met them. Then suddenly this tiny, helpless human being comes into the world and you realize you can no longer keep them fully safe 100% of the time. Yet, you do your best. At first this means late night feedings, monitors so you can hear or see them when they aren’t in the room with you, gates to keep them from harms away, even playpens and seats with belts so they stay in one place, keeping them in your field of sight at all times. Years pass and safety begins to look like bike helmets, nourishing foods, seat belts, checking in with friends’ parents, and lots of instruction. Your mind was eased just to crack their bedroom door at night, peaking in to be sure they were safe. In the teen years, you’d breathe a sigh of relief when you heard the garage door open, knowing that they had arrived home safely.
The years fly by, and suddenly it’s time to take your baby to college. And just as no one can prepare you for the emotional overwhelm and sense of responsibility you feel when your child is born, no one can prepare you for the emotional over whelm and sense of letting go and loss of control you feel in the few weeks leading up to college move in day and the day you say goodbye. I dropped my oldest son off at college just a few days ago, and I’m here to tell you my heart and my mind were stretched in ways I didn’t even imagine were possible. It’s obvious to me now that I went through several phases as I was being stretched over those days, coming to grips with my baby growing up and leaving the nest. Allow me to elaborate.
First there was THE IGNORE IT PHASE. At the time, I called this compartmentalization because it seemed more grown up and mature than simply ignoring what was happening. I told all my friends who asked how I was holding up over the summer that I was fine, I was simply “compartmentalizing” because I wanted to enjoy our family vacation, or our big 4th of July party, or whatever else happened to be coming up on our summer calendar. Looking back now, I realize what I was actually doing was ignoring the fact that my baby was leaving. Like, if I ignored it, it wouldn’t actually happen and I’d never have to deal with my feelings. Who wants to deal with feeling anyway, they’re so over rated! It’s just so much easier to sweep them under the rug and pretend they aren’t there. But alas, ignoring my son leaving didn’t actually keep the day from coming, so on to the next phase I went.
After ignoring the fact that I was moving my child into college, I entered into the next phase, THE PRODUCTIVITY PHASE. At this point, after no longer being able to deny the fact that my son was leaving home, I decided to channel all my energy into being the best mom I could be by being productive and extremely busy for my son. I was determined to make sure that he would be the most prepared kid for college that there ever was. This stage involved to do lists, packing lists, online shopping, in person shopping, doctor’s appointments, wellness appointments, and endless scrolling through his college’s family face book page and website, just to be sure I didn’t miss a thing. This was a good phase, because it kept me distracted and feeling accomplished, and I still didn’t have to acknowledge or deal with my feelings. In my defense, at this point, I really didn’t think I was running from my feelings, I honestly believed I was just handling this whole college thing more maturely than every other mother on the planet. I, unlike other moms who have gone before me, was, indeed, strong and invincible.
Well let me tell you something, I could not have been more wrong. My first breakdown happened out of the blue about 2 ½ weeks before we were set to leave for move in day, when out of nowhere, during a lovely dinner with my husband, I had to leave the table and go to my bedroom. The flood gates were released and I could not stop crying, and I mean ugly, snot dripping out of my nose, whole body convulsing, can’t catch my breath cry. Without any warning, I had entered THE EMOTIONAL PHASE. I was on the cusp of dealing with my feelings, but still asking myself why I was behaving in this way. Saying things to myself like, “Brooke, get it together girl, it’s not like he’s leaving home for good. You’re being ridiculous”.
Was I weaker than I thought? I didn’t have time to ruminate on that question for long, because the days were going by quickly and suddenly, we were just a few days away from packing up the car to take Anthony to school. I am not being overly dramatic when I say I was an emotional wreck. I cried during the strangest times for what seemed like no reason at all. Once at a restaurant, I had to go outside and pace the parking lot until I calmed myself down. I wasn’t sleeping well and I was hanging on to any last shred of control I thought I had by trying to spend every waking moment with Anthony. All the while reminding him constantly to take his vitamins, pack enough sweatshirts, oh and what about a beanie for brisk fall nights on campus. Needless to say, none of this went over with him well! When given the choice to go out to eat and see a movie with his mother or go to one last party with his friends, he chose, you guessed it, the party and his friends- of course he did. I knew that him wanting to spend time with his friends before leaving was completely normal, but it didn’t make my wounded momma’s heart feel any better. What’s more, (and I can’t believe I’m admitting this to you), I may or may not have been up alone at 5 am, pacing my house, wandering around the rooms, and replaying various moments from the past of my kids growing up.
Seriously, it was like a movie trailer for “The Stillwell Family Grows Ups” was playing on repeat in my mind. All that was missing was the loud back ground music. I saw their cribs, rocking them to sleep, playing wall ball in the play room, the potty training, the nights we’d snuggle around the tree and watch Christmas cartoons together, the birthday celebrations, the evenings they’d crawl in bed with me to tell me about their day, even the fights they had with each other. All of it, every single memory on repeat in my mind as I roamed the house before sunrise with tears streaming down my face. Until that very moment, I had not realized that I reached the next phase, THE MOURNING PHASE.
As the memories played through my mind, I began to realize that it wasn’t so much Anthony leaving that I was having a hard time with, it was the fact that I was mourning the loss of my children’s childhood. I was mourning the loss of a phase of life I knew I could not go back to. My kids were growing up, with one leaving for college, I was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that while my kids would always need me in some way, they would never be as dependent on me as they once were, I had far less chance of keeping them safe, and I was heading full speed ahead into an empty nest. The realization hit hard, and while it didn’t make it any easier to deal with, finally understanding why I was so deeply emotional gave me perspective and allowed me to begin the slow process of letting go of what my life used to look like.
In the end, I think that’s what this whole process is about. It’s all about letting go. In this phase, we have to learn to let go of our past life, our children’s childhood, the level of control we had over them, and the certainty we felt when they were under our roof. We need to learn how to mother from afar while stepping into the new person that we will become now that we won’t be mothering 24-7. Because here’s the thing, and this is important, I fear that if we don’t allow ourselves to become something new, holding on instead to what was, we won’t deal with our kids leaving home well and likely we won’t be very happy. So how do I let go, you may now be asking. Or, maybe you’re wondering, “how do I start to move forward and live a life beyond my kids?” Or you could be thinking, “how do I move from a LETTING GO PHASE into a REINVENTION PHASE?
It may be difficult to imagine now, but life actually does go on even after the kids are grown and out of the house and you can not only handle it, but you can in fact thrive in it. Here are a few ways to get started:
Change your mindset- instead of looking at this as the beginning of the end, look at it as an opportunity to begin a new chapter of your life
Move your body every day. I don’t care if this is a run, a walk, a mat work out, yoga, or even gentle stretching. Just commit to moving your body every day, because when you move your body, you change your mind and your mood, and after you drop your kid off at college, trust me when I say, you’ll need a lot of mood changing.
Reach out to friends or family members, especially those going through the same phase as you. When we know we’re not alone, our struggles are so much easier to bear. Not only will you receive comfort, but you’ll likely be able to extend encouragement as well. Also, don’t hesitate to reach out specifically to your child’s friends’ parents, even if you haven’t seen or talked to them since graduation. There’s reassurance in talking to people who were connected to your child in this way.
Eat nutritious whole foods. Right now, you may be craving comfort foods, but trust me when I say, the food you’re craving will only make you feel better in the short term. If you want to feel better and think with a clear head, the quality of what you put in your mouth matters. In this case, garbage in equals garbage out.
Prioritize sleep. You need to build resilience as the kids leave home and you move into a different phase of life. Stepping into a new purpose will require emotional balance and energy. Good quality sleep will help ensure both. Make sure you get to bed at a reasonable hour. Turn your devices off one to two hours before bed and try things like magnesium or passion flower tea to relax you and help you sleep
Commit to reading a non-fiction/self-help book every 4-6 weeks. My current favorite is Christine Caine’s, “Don’t Look Back”. I also love “You Are a Bad Ass”, and “The Gap and The Gain”
Letting go is indeed a process. Change, transformation, and reinvention don’t typically happen overnight. Expect rough days and difficult nights, especially in the initial weeks of dropping your child off at school. Adjusting takes time. For me, the drive home from dropping Anthony off at college wasn’t terrible, but walking into the house knowing he wouldn’t be there for a long time and going to bed with his room empty was tough, really tough. Yet, no amount of tears or heart ache or worrying will change the fact that he is moving on with his life, and frankly that’s a good thing. He should be moving on with his life. This is everything we’ve all been striving for since the day our child was born. We just have to take the steps necessary to become our own person again. We must change our mindset, get laser focused on what we want our life to look like, and be consistent with the steps that it will take to get there. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Mourn the loss of the life you had and your children’s childhood. But please don’t miss the opportunity to create a new life, a fun and adventurous life, a life that doesn’t have to revolve around your children to be fulfilling.
Your kids may be grown, some or all of them may be out of the house. Life as you know it doesn’t look the same as it once did. Yet, the sun will continue to rise and you will continue to get up and move through your day. The question is, how do you want to move through your day? Do you want to be forlorn, stuck, and a little lost? Or, do you want to have purpose, meaning, and fulfillment? I know what my answer is. Sure, I’d be lying if I said I don’t check my phone multiple times a day to see if Anthony text me or if I told you I wasn’t counting down the days until parent’s weekend. But in the meantime, I am going to move forward each day with a smile on my face and I am going to become all that I know I can still be, because Life after Kids is a surprisingly fabulous gift, and I for one am ready to move from a phase of letting go into a season of reinvention. I hope you will join me.